From the shadows.
A little backstory.
Sometimes ideas feel planned. This one didn’t.
From the Shadows was one of those things that arrived in the middle of the night when sleep just wasn’t happening. My brain was spiraling. I was thinking about a million things and nothing all at once. I had too many ideas and no clear plan of action.
I sometimes refer to ideas that don't feel like my own as "droppered" to me. This was one of those moments. I heard (or perhaps thought):
From the Shadows.
But this was going to be different.
A transformational series for women who were curious...but terrified.
I felt like I had to call to women who shrink themselves down. Who stand idly by waiting to be seen but will never allow themselves to step into the spotlight. Women who truly wanted to do this but felt like it wasn't for them.
The rules were simple. Apply, be honest, and don't try to sound perfect.
The best part? None of the responses or images were required to be shared. It simply took all the pressure away. Well, okay, not ALL the pressure, but perhaps a fair amount.
The applications started pouring in. And I mean pouring. Within hours I had nearly 100 applications.
I started reading. I wasn't looking for polished answers. I was waiting for the goosebumps. The application that made me feel something. The nudge from the Universe that this was the one. Then I read Jeni's application.
I'd like to introduce you to Jeni.
Jeni told me she had been following my page for years...watching. Imagining what it might feel like to be one of the women in the photos. And not to just have the photos, but to be confident enough to even allow them to exist.
She shared that her curiosity would lead her to taking slightly risqué photos on her phone for her husband...which she would send...and then immediately delete. When she looked about them for the first time, she expected embarrassment...maybe shame or disappointment. Instead, she said something surprising to herself, "Huh. Not too shabby." That was the initial spark for her interest, where she would occasionally find her way to my website, but she admitted, she would quickly close out the browser.
Curiosity and courage are not always the same thing.
Jeni described something I see in women all the time. It's that ego that I so often talk about. That voice that says, "Who do you think you are?" That voice is SO incredibly unkind...even though she's just trying to keep us safe. Your ego's intention is in the right place, but your past is creating storylines for your present and your future that are such a struggle to interrupt.
This storyline continued even after Jeni lost over 110 pounds. Even after years of work rebuilding her relationship with her body. Even after becoming stronger than she had ever been. Ego had her believing that she might never be "good enough" to be seen this way.
And that was the line. That was the moment I got goosebumps. That was the moment I knew it had to be her.
This is the exact reason From the Shadows exists. So I wrote back to her...and somewhere in that message, I told her what I've told many women before, "It's time, girlfriend. You are enough"
The morning of Jeni's session looked a lot like many first sessions do.
There was some nervous energy. Maybe a little, "Omg, what did I just sign up for?" I swear the energy is always, always palpable.
The thing most women don't realize, is that no one walks in knowing how to do this. Even the ones who have done sessions before. Even the ones who seem the "most" confident. There are always, always bits of uncertainty.
But, that's why I'm here. I'm here to guide you every step of the way. The entire experience. Somewhere along the way, something always happens...I can't quite explain it. It's like you sink into your body. You remember who the hell you are. You are ready to stop playing small. It's my favorite moment in the studio.
Jeni leaned into the experience in a way that was beautiful to witness. She moved from space to space, outfit to outfit, allowing herself to stay present (even when the ego would undoubtedly show up). We laughed, we talked a lot, there were moments of vulnerability, mirror moments that were eye opening, and just quiet unraveling that I was able to witness pose by pose.
There was a moment though...
A moment that really stood out to me. One that has still stayed with me...even a month later.
It was during her reveal. Honestly, when women walk in for their viewing session, nerves have a way of flooding back. Ego starts chirping:
"You aren't going to look like them."
"I can't believe you did this."
"What if all your fears were right?"
Sessions are wildly vulnerable. It takes a lot to be able to show up. It takes a new courage to be ready to face yourself on the computer screen.
We started the reveal... and all I remember Jeni saying "My pretty legs."
My pretty legs. A triumph. She finally saw. I was blown away. I honestly can't do her own words justice. A couple of days after the session, I asked her to talk to me like she's talking to the version of herself leading up to the session. So...not really me. But almost a love letter to her previous self.
Here's her response (and yes, she absolutely gave me permission to share this along with her images.)
From Jeni
"Waking up this morning, it feels like you haven’t woken up at all. Like you were waking into a dream.
You told someone, “I never thought of myself as the type of person who would do this.” She assumed, reasonably, that I had some sort of shame, like I felt that only a certain type of person would take this sort of photos. But the “type of person” I meant was a person confident enough in her body to it.
As the days passed, your purpose shifted. What once was a gift intended to shock and entice your husband- imagining his reaction and guessing what he would want out of it - became “What do I want out of this?”
Despite that tiny shift, the imposter still had questions. What were you about to do? What had you gotten yourself into? What should you expect? Who did you think you were? Did you belong there?
What if I lay it all out for you and tell you exactly what you can expect? What if I tell you that by the end of it, you’ll not only know that you belong, but that this is where you were headed all along? Will that ease your mind and quiet the voices?
Fake it till you make it, that is your motto. When you don’t feel like you know what you’re doing or you don’t belong, just fake it. That’s how the day will start out. Your nerves will be screaming, hands tingling. But you don’t want to let it show, so you fake as much confidence as you can muster. You’ll strip down and dress back up in an outfit you’d only ever worn in front of one other person. Only now, you’re in front of a stranger.
Going in, you were quick to point out your insecurities. Point them out first, before others notice. Your scars, stretch marks, and skin stretched from years of holding too much weight. Your legs. So strong and capable, but that’s rarely what you see. You usually see only their flaws. Looking into the mirror today, you’ll see them, but only momentarily. You’ll feel unsure and uneasy, but only momentarily.
Without realizing it, you’ll fall quickly into sense of calm. Not necessarily confidence, but calm & trust in her. You’ll move from room to room, lacey thing to lacey thing, position to position. She’ll guide every move while your hands instinctively move up and down your body. You’ll listen to her cues and your body will shift naturally. You’ll go back and forth from realty to visualizations of what you’ve been through and where you’re going. Hours pass. Everything moves slowly but feels like a whirlwind. Confessions made, along occasional awkwardness and laughter. Tears are shed, as are layers of insecurities and beliefs. You’re reminded that many of those beliefs weren’t yours, but lies told to you. You’re free to be you. You’re free from your limits. You’re free to appreciate your beauty and worth.
When the camera clicks for the final time, you’ll feel a rush of emotion you can’t yet describe mixed with new fear. This time, the fear is that this feeling will fade and you won’t find it again.
You’ll get dressed and reemerge into the room where it all happened. Fully clothed, you’re more awkward and uncomfortable than you were when you arrived. You feel like a different person - a person who doesn’t yet know where she belongs.
You’ll step away for a while to replenish the massive amount of energy you just spent and to reflect. Only, your mind and body are still sheltering the experience from true reflection. They need to process. In the meantime, you’re flooded with a new, unexpected set of emotions - overwhelm, shame, embarrassment, confusion, regret. What did you just do? You won’t actually regret anything, it’s more like you think you should regret it.
A short time later, you’ll walk back into the studio to see the visual representations of the experience. You’ve seen what other women who have done this look like - they look like they belong there, what if you don’t? What if all you see is the flaws? What if after all that, you look at your body and still can’t see your strength? What if, after everything, your body still isn’t enough?
Then, here it comes. The first image is revealed. Without a thought or question, three breathy words: My pretty legs. Instead of seeing the flaws - all you’ll see is their strength. Those pretty legs that carried you through a lifetime a struggles, a hundred extra pounds, 9 years of hard work as your life corrected course. You’ll hear yourself say it and immediately be overcome. Tears fill your eyes and fall down your cheeks. You can’t believe what you’re looking at. The other photos stream through, each as unexpectedly beautiful as the last.
Now you see it. You see what others see when they look at you. You see what strangers are talking about when they compliment your physique. You see your physical strength that you work so hard for everyday. Beautiful, sculpted muscles. You see freedom.
Suddenly, it hits you. You punished your body and punished yourself because of your body for decades. You never believed you’d have the resilience or determination required to have the body you secretly believed you should be living in. Now, in this moment, you see the truth. You did it. That’s it. You fucking did it.
When something clicked 9 years ago, you told yourself it was the beginning of a journey with no end. There was no destination in mind. It turns out that’s because you didn’t even know this feeling existed. You didn’t know this was a dream to dream. But this moment, this feeling is what you were actually working towards. The journey isn’t over but it has changed. You’re free to be who you’re destined to be. If you can achieve this feeling, what can you not do?
So, as you sort through your nerves and question your choice to embark upon this experience, know this - when you’re done you’ll be changed. You’re about to find out what a truly beautiful thing you are. "
She saw it.
Finally. She saw it all.
This experience wasn't for her husband after all. It wasn't about being sexy.
It was about permission. Finally being about to see yourself without the lies you've carried for years. Permission to recognize your strength. Permission to realize the version of you that felt impossible might already be standing right in front of you.
Jeni walked into the studio unsure if she belonged in this space and she walked out knowing she did. Once you see yourself like that, you can't unsee it.
From the Shadows was created for women who feel that quiet pull.
The ones who have been watching from the sidelines. The ones who keep thinking, "Maybe someday." I'm here to tell you, you can do this. That whisper is the version of you who's ready to step out of the shadows.
Jeni, you are such a special soul. Thank you for allowing me to share your story. Thank you for being an inspiration to other women. Thank you for answering the call. And if you'd like to check out the session from Jeni's perspective, she wrote a blog here that you can check out. Jeni is also a fitness instructor and accountability coach and you can find her on instagram @genuinely.jeni.619 She is a breath of fresh air.
And if you are feeling the call, but you aren't ready yet, it's okay. You'll start to feel it when it is. Trust it. Lean into it. Journal around it. I'll be here when you're ready.
Much Love,
Melissa
